Mum dies in tragic car accident

It's my Mums birthday today. She would've been 67.
I was only 15 years old, full of life and mischief.  Mum was taking my boyfriend and I down to stay at my  Dads for a few days of the school holidays.  We were talking about the beautiful day and the snow on the mountains and how we wouldn't be skiing that year but Mum would like to take me to Australia.  The car hit black ice on the bridge and spun out of control hitting the bank on the other side and killing my Mum.  I was flown to hospital by helicopter and when I came to my whole world came crashing down.  For me I wanted everything to stop.  I didn't want to think about living, about my future, about where I was going to live. I just wanted to go and hide, run away from it all, to be by myself so I could get my head around it and cry and cry and cry. But that didn't happen.  I was moved out of my home and into my Aunties.  Kept away from my sisters and my Dad and told to move on.  Every year on my Mums birthday, mothers day, christmas, my birthday, the date of the accident I would have a little tear, find some strength and smile through the day. Usually not saying much about how I was truly feeling to anyone. Just moving on.  This year, 19 years later it feels different.  I have cried all day. Both girls are at daycare and I'm actually on my own. I can hear God saying to me 'its ok to feel'.  Why does it hurt so much more when the walls come down and the pain is still there? It's like I have to break for God to mend me.  I'm allowed to feel hurt, I'm allowed to miss my Mum.  It's just crazy how long its taken me to understand that.  When you lose a Mum there's no replacing her, she leaves a massive gap.  But God has this way of filling in the missing pieces, he's always there with me.  He lets me cry and he gives me more than a shoulder to cry on. He wraps me in his love and gives me peace that passes all understanding.  Without Gods love, without the hope of seeing her again, I have nothing. He is my strength now, he is my hope, he is my parents, he is my best friend, he is my teacher, my comforter, my everything.